His self-loathing and saving grace
by Arachnide
Summary: After the events with Jei, one turtle is left wallowing in the events that have passed. Blaming himself for things that could have gone differently. Will anyone be there to comfort and reassure our wayward turtle or will he keep blaming himself for things that weren't ever his fault?


It has been a _week_ since we've returned home…a week since Renet brought us back from that dimension. A week… a whole week has passed since then but I still can't get those _horrible_ images out of my mind. Every single time I close my eyes I see…oh god, _please no._ Not _them._ Why does it always have to be them! Why are my little brothers the ones who always get _hurt?_

Nightmares of our stay there have been plaguing my mind ever since we've returned. Those horrifying images…my brothes' motionless bodies… _dead. Lifeless eyes_ starring back at me. Eyes that have once held such passion, intelligence, joy, compasion….now held nothing but pain and fear.

I don't remember when or how but at some point my arms were full, and i was sobbing and screaming my heart out over the body of my youngest brother.

They were _**dead!**_ There was _nothing_ I could do to save them now. Why the shell did i have to be so _useless!_

My eyes were suddenly full of tears again and i found myself crying in my bed once more. It was just so _painful..._ And those reoccuring nightmares weren't helping at all. _'A reminder of how much you have_ _ **failed**_ _them, once again'_ a cruel voice whispered in my mind. And i was ashamed to admit, that for once in all those years that i have been the leader of our team…it was absolutely _true_ and there was nothing i could say to argue with it.

They _died!_ They fell the one after the other and I was unable to do _anything._ I froze like some _worthless coward_ and just _watched_ as my brothers were slaughtered in front of my eyes... _'How can you even call yourself their big brother?'_

 _And that realisation hurt much more than anything else…Because_ _ **how**_ _could I call myself that after what i have done…or probably what I_ _ **haven't**_ _done…_

 _'Leo?'_ and here it was, here to mock me again. Heh, and why not? I mean, just look at me! The big brother, The Head of the Hamato Clan and the _'fearless'_ leader…crying and sobbing my eyes out like some little kid…a kid I have long since stoped being…

"Leo…?" came that worried voi-…Wait, _worried?_ My head couldn't of come up quicker than it did at that momment. And what I saw in front of my room's door made me _freeze_ with fear…because what my eyes had locked with were a pair of worried, shining, _baby blue eyes._

Had it been any other time I would have been entranced by those beautiful eyes. Those eyes that never failed to reassure and to comfort. Those eyes that were always so full of _love, trust_ and _understanding_ it was almost too much.

But now it was not one of those times. Why? Why had it to be _him?_ I never _wanted_ him to see me like this. I never wanted him to see just how pityful and worthless I really am, I never wanted him to change his opinion of me. I am supposed to be _strong,_ somebody to _lean on,_ a _force to be reckoned with._ Supposed being the key word. Because am I? Am I really any of those things when I cannot even do the most _elementary_ of things? When i can't even _protect_ them?

And once again I was suddenly brought out of my thoughts by him. Mikey was now in front of me, and when did that happen? His touch bringing me back. "Heh, I am losing my grip…" I whispered. A sad smile adoring my face, eyes not daring to meet with what was surely a gaze full of disapointment.

Mikey sat on my bed and tentatively put his hand on my shoulder. "Bro…what's wrong?" he asked and his voice was so full of worry that it genuinely surprised me. I dared to look at him and to say I was shocked would have been an uderstatement. His eyes held nothing but worry, compassion and _love…so_ much love.

And that was the last stroke. I broke down once more, this time in the embrace of my baby brother. My baby brother who while not knowing what exactly was wrong, still kept me tightly in his arms, never once letting go and just holding me with the love and care only he could show.

And how could I have ever thought that _Mikey,_ my precious little brother would ever think of me like that? How could I think that _any_ of them would think of me like that? _'How? I'll tell you how. Because they died while thinking_ _ **you**_ _had their back and would protect them,_ _ **no matter what.**_ _But did you? No…you didn't._ _ **Thats**_ _how.'_

Right, _right._ Oh how right that voice was. "I am so sorry little brother, so sorry…" I sobbed out, barely managing to hold the sentence together.

Mikey just tightened the hug and said, completely surprising me."It was not your fault Leo, you have nothing to blame yourself for. It was just an illusion bro." He said that with such conviction in his voice that left me speachless."A dream made by that _demon_ to torture us, to weaken and to scare us." his voice dripped with venom and his eyes took such a serious and fierce look to them, that for a second or two I couldn't believe that was my little brother I was seeing.

"H-how did you…?" how did he know, how did he _guess_ that that was what was bothering me? I haven't even said anything. The opposite even. I have been so silent this last week that they should have barely even noticed me at all.

It seemed he was taken slightly aback by my question because after hearing it and seeing the confusion in my eyes he drew back from me a little and his eyes widened, just a fraction. But then he chuckled and smiled warmly at me."Bro, i am offended that you would think i didnt know what was eating at you" he said, humour couting his voice.

But then his eyes fell and his smile turned into a sad one. "The others were also blaming themselves" mikey shook his head at that, smiling bitterly as if to say that the mere idea of doing so was utterly stupid. Its's a good thing I got to them when I did too. I was wondering when you would break. It took much more time than I thought…," guilt shined in his eyes when he continued, "or maybe you have been blaming yourself from the very start and I didn't even notice...didnt't notice how much you were _suffering…"_ his voice breaking at the last word.

My eyes widened at that but before I could say anything, he continued. "If there is anyone to blame it is _me._ I am sorry Leo. I am so sorry I didn't notice sooner…heh, but then again I am just good-for-nothing, screw-everything-up, mikey, am I not? Heh…" he chuckled. His baby blues filling with unshed tears that he tried to cover by lowering his head.

At that a feeling of strong determination filled me. A feeling only my little brothers could provoke in me and I tilted mikey's head upwards so that I could look into his eyes."Mikey, I never want you saying anything like that ever again, you hear me?" my voice was soft but serious. I never wanted him to think of himself like that. Never.

And suddenly he was laughing, his eyes once again alight with a mirthful light. "Can't believe you fell for that. Hehe!" he said, chuckling all the while. I looked at him confused and slightly angry.

Catching something in my gaze, his laughter subsided and he looked at me softly. "You are not sad anymore, are you?" he asked. A small but contended smile adoring his lips.

And I immediately understood what my little brother had done. Having me get concerned about him I completely stopped blaming myself and turned all of my attention to him leaving no place for any self-doubt or blame. Not when my little brother was on the verge of devastation.

"Cunning and deceptive? Who are you and what have you done to my baby brother, you charlatan?" I joked lightly.

"I am a ninja bro! Cunning and deceptive, is kind of part of the job requirement." he returned the joke smilling at me.

"But seriously? The only one to blame is Jei, bro. Not you. Not any of you." His eyes were so intense as he looked into mine that it almost felt as if he was looking straight into my soul, trying to burn that statement into my stupid head so i wouldn't ever forget about it.

"Thank you, little brother. Thank you." I told him sincerely. It was at times like these that I wondered if he truly knew how much of a blessing he was to us. How much it was that his light helped us cope with the darkness that seemed to always be enclosing in on us.

Smile never leaving his face he said."You are welcome, Leo. Anything for my bros." Bitting his lip he seemed to consider something for a little while and added. "I love you bro."

"And I promise you that _nothing_ could ever make me stop feeling so. _No_ matter what happens and what comes to pass. No matter all the misfortunes that might befall us and what might be said and done… I will _never_ stop loving you. Any of you." His voice rung with sincerety. His eyes full of emotion. This wasn't just a statement, this was a _promise._ A _vow._ Something unbreakable and resilient. Something reassuring and so, _so_ overwhelming.

Maybe that's why my voice was so tight with emotion when I replied."I love you too, baby brother. And I promise that I'll always do." That earned me a smile and a tightening of the embrace I was still enclossed within. An embrace I fully returned now too.

And we just stayed like that for some time, basking in the warmth and comfort radiating from each other. It seemed as if hours have passed when we finally let go. But any negativity I might have been holding inside and all of the guilt and blame, as well as a certain lying voice, have all disapeared.

And were certainly not coming back, not as long as my little brother was here. Which, let me tell you, will be for quite some time if I have anything to say about it.


End file.
